Have you ever cried so hard you cant even wipe  your tears,
The kind of crying where your tears start to seep through your dry skin so it stings,
The type of crying that leaves you breathless, and gasping for air.
The one your cant bear to hold in any longer so you just let it all out into your pillow.

There was a certain kind of familiarity I felt,
The kind of sadness I never thought I would encounter again after so long,
The kind of sadness that leaves you heartbroken,
The kind that leaves you wondering,
How could someone yoou love whole heartedly would do something like that.

1/1/2016

20:51

When he finally decides to break your heart.

Sometimes, God puts you through obstacles because you've been enjoying life too much and you tend to forget to think of him

Sometimes, God puts you through problems because he wants test your faith and see if you would go to him for help.

Sometimes, God gives you troubles because you've done something bad or horrible. So what you do, you will get back, karma right ?

Sometimes, God puts you through difficulties because he loves and cares for you and wants to see how you would deal with all of it.

Maybe Iv been having too much fun and I tend to forget to think of him but he thinks of me all the time ? Maybe this problem im dealing with is a way of God telling me that I've sinned to much and its time to repent ? Maybe he gave me this problem as a warning not to do things which are even more worst ?

But I have faith, I have faith eventually with his help, things will get better. In sya Allah .

Hi, hello assalamualaikum,

Guess who is back ?! Well, hopefully la :p it has been indeed a solid 4 or 5 months since I last posted something up . From my last post, I was actually in the middle of my first sem, and guess what .. now Im already done with my first year in med school ! Yes, indeed alhamdulillah . I survived my first year in medical school, 2 whole VERY stressful semesters. A lot went down honestly, both physically and emotionally while going through the 2 semesters. I laughed, I cried, I got into petty fights, I had fun with my bestfriends, I enjoyed college, I enjoyed living abroad. Now, Im currently on my summer break for about 2 months I think, so... guess who's back in Malaysia :D

Its been a week plus since I landed in Kualalala Lumpur, after a gruesome 13 hour flight from Alexandria to Malaysia, not including the 9 hour PLUS 2 transit in Doha, was extremely tiring but alhamdulillah everything went fine. I did not tell my family that I was coming home though, so that I could suprise them right at their doorstep, so when I arrived Miera, Danial and Mimey picked me up I felt SUPER GUILTY I didnt tell them I had a 2 hour delay and they waited for me for almost 3 hours. Seeing their faces at the arrivals hall, ugh I felt super happy I was home already. After settling things in the car, I told them I want my first meal in Malaysia to be McD's Spicy Chicken Mcdeluxe and they agreed but Mimey wanted to go get dessert at Kulcats so we went there first. When I arrived, apparently Kulcats was closing already cause it was already REALLY late. But when I came out of the car, I saw ALL of my favourite people there, Im not kidding, from Mia, to Fadh,Izreen, Hariz was there EVEN SHARAF ! Ohmygod they planned me a suprise welcome home- birthday celebration WHICH I WAS SUPER DUPER LATE FOR BECAUSE OF THAT 2 HOUR DELAY IN DOHA, and it was getting late and Kulcats was closing so I just met everyone outside, I actually broke down in tears cause I made everyone wait and I didnt tell them about my delay, ugh guilt trip please. But I was so happy everyone was there. Reunited with all my favorite people in one night, I couldnt be happier. We moved the party to McD where I finally got my much craved for burger with the comrades, was so thankful to Miera for planning everything, I felt super guilty I ruined everything, I could tell that she was feeling really tired. Definitely my number 0 bestfriend forever la Miera. That night, I slept over the twins, after showering and cleaning myself up after almost a day and a half of not showering, I blacked out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Next day, woke up to Shar sitting on my stomach around noon, FINALLY REUNITED WITH MY BESTFRIEND I was a bit confused when I woke up , haha after showering and all, we all headed to Shah Alam so we could suprise my fambam. I hid behind the car, and Miera went to knock on the door. Mother opened up, talked for a while with Shar Miera and Mia before I jumped out from behind the car. Mother being her usual emotional self :p haha cried when she saw my, I honestly did not expect that kind of reaction I was speechless. IT WAS A SUCCESS ! ALL THAT WEEKS OF PLANNING WITH MY BROTHER, I managed to suprise my family ! I couldnt have done it without my bestfriends help though, I appreciate everyone's ( especially Miera) help in surprising my family .

Throughout this whole week here in Malaysia, I still have not had my mamak fix yet, I still havent managed to see Hazwani and Azi, but life has been pretty good. Since its Ramadhan, I spend my mornings at my grandparents with Fatty, since I am now the driver for my brother and mother when they go to work and school, and I have my iftar with the family, but after dinner the car is absolutely mine so I usually spend my nights with my friends. As usualy, we'd be hanging out at the twin's place or at some cafe, God I miss going out with my friends, I miss hanging out at the twin's . I miss everything, going out made me realize what I had to leave when I decided that I wanted to study in Egypt. But then again, you win some, you loose some kan ? So, im okay. Until then .

Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."


This, will forever be my favourite verse from the Holy Quran. I can somehow relate to it so much. Like whenever I feel like I dont think I can handle taking medicine, I remind myself Allah will never burden any soul more then he can bear. Allah has placed me on this path, so I myself have to believe I can go through it right ?

And the highlighted verse on top also hit me hard and made me think about whats been happening these past few weeks. I accept the guilt, the emptiness the heartbreak iv been feeling because what I did was something very wrong and I accept all the consequence that came along with it. I feel guilty, I wish I could take back what I did. But what's done is done and the only thing I could do was learn from it. I've sinned so much it scares me to a point that I'll keep repeating what I did. I dont want it to happen again. I've had enough.

Almost towards the end of the first month of the new year and well, things havent been going so well for me . Like I said in my previous post, I got myself  involved in some pretty nasty shit which made me dwell in regret. Sampai sekarang menyesal tak sudah, haih.

Anyways, I am currently on a 11 day study break before my final paper for Module 2 then another 11 days of holidays for Winterbreak which is also considered a studybreak because I have another final paper for Module 3. Then another 7 days of holidays before the start of a new semester.

Honestly, I feel quite jealous other universities in egypt have started their winter holidays, some of them even got a month off for winterbreak, and here I am having to take my winterbreak as study leave and stay home. Baru je beria nak explore egypt. Well the only place I'll be exploring is the area of my house here in Camp Ceaser -.-. But ohwell, ada hikmah pasti for all of this.

Life has been utterly boring, despite the fact that all I do is study nowadays, I rarely even leave the house, bangun pagi hadap buku biochem, tidur hadap buku biochem. Not to mention the countless cups of coffee I consume everyday. AND ALSO ALL THE FOOD I EAT BECAUSE OF STRESS. See the thing about exams, they arent very healthy. Definitely hitting the gym everyday after exams mahn ugh -.-

Hajar came to visit a few days ago and Wan and Aswad are also here, sad I cant spend that much time with them because all I do is friggin study. I swear biochem is pretty tough for me. But Alhamdulillah, Im almost done with everything, hopefully I get to cover everything before finals In Sya Allah

Until then, doakan lah diri ini nak menghadapi finals. Assalamualaikum.

25.1.12 ; 10:37 : Iv been meaning to write about this for awhile. I just need to get this out of my chest cause its been bugging me these past few days. Yknow how when people say you're lucky enough to be studying in Egypt as compared to other countries like European countries, because you are more exposed to religious things here, and it automatically turns you into a better person. Well, honestly this is all bull.  It doesnt matter where you are at, it depends on how YOU takecare of yourself when you're far away from home. Honestly, I am so mad. So mad at myself I feel like I dont deserve to be here. People say you will change and become a better person. 2 months, and Iv done some pretty nasty shit I cant even imagine of doing in Malaysia. I hate myself because I cant take care of myself, I let myself get into stupid things. Nama je budak ambik medic, kat Egypt pulak tu tapi otak letak kat lutut.

I chose to come here because I am easily influenced by everyone, and I knew I cant handle taking up medicine in Malaysia because I'm more closer to friends and all. I thought by coming here,  I could change to become a better person. I've turned into a worst version of myself ever since I got here and I hate it. I guess I deserved it though, I let myself get into nasty things and now its left me feeling empty, used and sad all the time. I knew I shouldn't have got myself involved in these kind of things, but I did. And now I feel shitty as ever.